Posted by kuotsung | Posted in After-thoughts | Posted on 21-01-2011
It was cold. The temperature was dipping. Winter was coming. I hurried back from wherever I was, or dragged to wherever I was going. Skype would always be the last application to be closed.
Your online presence beat those thick clothing. Your online visual presence beat those bad and moody days I could ever endure from some of the nonsense living habits by others. I could not wait to take the best photographs I could from journeys and trips I ventured. Print them, write on them, send them. Right before the long trip was even embarked on the 20th august, the day I could firmly hold you hands with assurance was the day I know I have to buck up and really work hard in every subsequent things I do. The promises we made. The plans we made. The places we planned. How would I forget, even if I chose to, now?
The exchange was a major life chapter for me. At least it was the first time I was away in another half of the globe living by myself for so long. Alot more stories and adventures could have been shared. But it had to be stopped like a half-drank wine corked. It was really snowing, yes. So I just took a video to show my family. My fashion photography liasing was killing me but the results were so fulfilling, yes. So I just uploaded to facebook and waiting for comments. Importantly I wanted so much to bake something or cook some new dishes and show off, but no. The person who could matter most in which I could show off to and brag was no longer appropriate. My butter, my flour, my yeast, my whip potato masher, only the masher was brought back. I do not know why I need to be reminded of that by bringing it back. The other ingredients were not even half used. I gave them away.
Probably it was right I was the one making the decision and not allowing any changes of course. Probably I do not have the magnitude required to really take in all the trivia matters I see it to be so terrible. Recounting a few conversations we had, I realised now I could no longer tolerate without making my concerns voiced with respects to remarks made towards my family members. Maybe it was nothing intentional, and that was why I was ashame then that I did not protect their interests by fending off casual comments. But now I am more sure than ever this family got to be receiving better treatments from me. And if there is one thing I truly would want you to feel from what I could provide, it will be a homely warmth.
Sports are seldom watched in delayed telecast when one gets to watch it live. Apart from my beloved family and very close friends who I will update my “exciting” days in Canada and USA, moments so special where I am right at the moment of something, ie, aurora appearing, grand canyon viewing, coach punctured tires etc, will always be reserved for someone special. I will. Yet I could not. In the end I shared these live moments alone. Nevermind if some were bad moments. Because that instance the person I could/should only think of and share with is you. But now the moments are gone. My chapter is closed.
This exchange empowers me. I am able to not afford anything, but I could not afford to allow myself the unhappiness and weakness to pull me down. I would not be letting myself down, but my family. And maybe you, I thought, if this was a test of resolve. But then, that would be a wrong move. If it was a considerate move of allowing my concentration to be focused, it backfired for a moment. You presence gave me strength. Your departure, however, would not weaken me. If it was done so your concentration could be in focus, I am sorry I did no enough.
The words said sure was hurting. Maybe I did not try hard enough to recouncile. At the situation I was, 13 hours behind with telecommunications not helpful if the party chose to ignore, I am practically helpless. I doubt god would even tell me what to do, not that I did not questioned him. Fly back? DHL express a bouquet? At wits end, a postcard carried all the hope. 10 days, 20 days, a month. I do not need to be stranded in an island hoping my message in a bottle to be retrieved to know what it is exactly to feel like. Why? I keep asking. Why me? Why now? Helplessness, hopelessness. A hug would be good, a pat would be nice. But my family and friends were not there. Winter was cold, heart was freezing long ago.
Wrong timing or perfect timing, no one knows until things are been there, done that. My favourite personal quote: a decision is always correct until a result proved it to be otherwise. There is no absolute, thus there is a forecast.
What you saw in me 5 months later was not false. I swear. I had seen through it. To pass you the souvenir I chose so hard was really what I intended. I looked into your green eyes really eager to know how were you but the atmosphere was stagnant to allow even normal conversation to take place. Your bye was swift. I could only sigh as bus 95 left.
As I learnt from my exchange, just be yourself, your true self. There will be people who will appreciate that. Nevermind if the number of people appreciating that is little. They are the ones who are truly important in your life. Similarly, the Canon in C will be appreciated. Jiayou!
(p.s I normally blogged in a way the persons reflected in it came from all circles of my life. Please do not take certain comments personally, as you would not know who I am referring to unless they are named, which in any case they will not be. However, this post is solely dedicated to just you alone.)