A beautiful Sunday morning waiting for a bus along Hougang ave 3. The sky so blue the clouds so fluffy.
I am alone. Waiting for 2 best friends no more. Bringing a net no more. Carrying a container no more. Netting of fish no more, for the canal has become inaccessible. More importantly, the bond seems to be thinning, for there were contacts between us no more.
I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer I am a farmer…
When is my harvest……
说什么永远。好笑。别再让我与这话题发表言论了~
As if I am still following Canada time. Hah, in that case, spring is really due to arrive.
But according to traditional Chinese time, we are well into spring for almost a month. Chinese new year was so well spent for me this year. And that is the time when spring is so eagerly anticipated.
Still, Singapore is just wet and dry all year. The spring I am enjoying is the spiritual sense. I really did not regret planning the exchange and allowed myself to come back for the CNY celebration. Met so many of my friends and had a thorough great time with my family. The 15 days were really an enjoyment, barred the bad cold I was enduring.
Only recently had I begun immersing into my school work with concentration. Hectic as usual, but gotta continue to buck up. Distractions are everywhere. Positivity garnered from my exchange is like a magical potion which could be easily drained off without replenishing. All along I was hoping I had someone to remind me of the diligence I need. I am fine reminding myself now. Things done in a long run will be habitual.
Need to slowly make my footprints in the sand. I just have to pip certain things in my life to a later stage. Now is a period of ploughing the land and sowing the seeds. So to some of you out there, watch it!
It was cold. The temperature was dipping. Winter was coming. I hurried back from wherever I was, or dragged to wherever I was going. Skype would always be the last application to be closed.
Your online presence beat those thick clothing. Your online visual presence beat those bad and moody days I could ever endure from some of the nonsense living habits by others. I could not wait to take the best photographs I could from journeys and trips I ventured. Print them, write on them, send them. Right before the long trip was even embarked on the 20th august, the day I could firmly hold you hands with assurance was the day I know I have to buck up and really work hard in every subsequent things I do. The promises we made. The plans we made. The places we planned. How would I forget, even if I chose to, now?
The exchange was a major life chapter for me. At least it was the first time I was away in another half of the globe living by myself for so long. Alot more stories and adventures could have been shared. But it had to be stopped like a half-drank wine corked. It was really snowing, yes. So I just took a video to show my family. My fashion photography liasing was killing me but the results were so fulfilling, yes. So I just uploaded to facebook and waiting for comments. Importantly I wanted so much to bake something or cook some new dishes and show off, but no. The person who could matter most in which I could show off to and brag was no longer appropriate. My butter, my flour, my yeast, my whip potato masher, only the masher was brought back. I do not know why I need to be reminded of that by bringing it back. The other ingredients were not even half used. I gave them away.
Probably it was right I was the one making the decision and not allowing any changes of course. Probably I do not have the magnitude required to really take in all the trivia matters I see it to be so terrible. Recounting a few conversations we had, I realised now I could no longer tolerate without making my concerns voiced with respects to remarks made towards my family members. Maybe it was nothing intentional, and that was why I was ashame then that I did not protect their interests by fending off casual comments. But now I am more sure than ever this family got to be receiving better treatments from me. And if there is one thing I truly would want you to feel from what I could provide, it will be a homely warmth.
Sports are seldom watched in delayed telecast when one gets to watch it live. Apart from my beloved family and very close friends who I will update my “exciting” days in Canada and USA, moments so special where I am right at the moment of something, ie, aurora appearing, grand canyon viewing, coach punctured tires etc, will always be reserved for someone special. I will. Yet I could not. In the end I shared these live moments alone. Nevermind if some were bad moments. Because that instance the person I could/should only think of and share with is you. But now the moments are gone. My chapter is closed.
This exchange empowers me. I am able to not afford anything, but I could not afford to allow myself the unhappiness and weakness to pull me down. I would not be letting myself down, but my family. And maybe you, I thought, if this was a test of resolve. But then, that would be a wrong move. If it was a considerate move of allowing my concentration to be focused, it backfired for a moment. You presence gave me strength. Your departure, however, would not weaken me. If it was done so your concentration could be in focus, I am sorry I did no enough.
The words said sure was hurting. Maybe I did not try hard enough to recouncile. At the situation I was, 13 hours behind with telecommunications not helpful if the party chose to ignore, I am practically helpless. I doubt god would even tell me what to do, not that I did not questioned him. Fly back? DHL express a bouquet? At wits end, a postcard carried all the hope. 10 days, 20 days, a month. I do not need to be stranded in an island hoping my message in a bottle to be retrieved to know what it is exactly to feel like. Why? I keep asking. Why me? Why now? Helplessness, hopelessness. A hug would be good, a pat would be nice. But my family and friends were not there. Winter was cold, heart was freezing long ago.
Wrong timing or perfect timing, no one knows until things are been there, done that. My favourite personal quote: a decision is always correct until a result proved it to be otherwise. There is no absolute, thus there is a forecast.
What you saw in me 5 months later was not false. I swear. I had seen through it. To pass you the souvenir I chose so hard was really what I intended. I looked into your green eyes really eager to know how were you but the atmosphere was stagnant to allow even normal conversation to take place. Your bye was swift. I could only sigh as bus 95 left.
As I learnt from my exchange, just be yourself, your true self. There will be people who will appreciate that. Nevermind if the number of people appreciating that is little. They are the ones who are truly important in your life. Similarly, the Canon in C will be appreciated. Jiayou!
(p.s I normally blogged in a way the persons reflected in it came from all circles of my life. Please do not take certain comments personally, as you would not know who I am referring to unless they are named, which in any case they will not be. However, this post is solely dedicated to just you alone.)
It is the new year! I was reminded by my sister how long since I last blogged. Well, I am still jet-lagged, am I not? Hah.
Coming back from my long trip to Canada for exchange really brought me nothing but thoughts. How much, how far and how fast things and situations changed. I still remember the committment I made to myself to strive for the chance for this exchange. And now I am blogging at how this exchange has been over.
New year seems obliging to have everything starts afresh. Certain things I just do not wish to be starting from zero. However, the long trip away whacked my head hard on how I should approach things at least in this coming 3 years, or even just this year.
5 months away was not long. I could not reiterate more often. In the timeline of others, it seems to be. I feel sad for alot of things. Because these 5 months just some catastrophic events had actually happened. But all these were just a matter of measuring others with one’s own yardstick. So forget it. All along I have been trying to see things in positive light, and I am getting better at it now. More so than ever.
It was said being away for a period of time will make oneself a better person. I tried to be. And if I feel I had, I probably should not doubt myself. But my father said something very true, the merits of oneself should be determine by others. Then trust me, when I do consider certain bit of somebody to have things to improve on, you do have much to improve on.
I could not find back the piece of passage I wrote to my school for the exchange in saying why I deserved the spot to go. What was written, though, I do know, the majority of it. It was kinda like a forecast I had to myself. If there was a checklist of fulfilment at the end of this exchange for what I had written, most, if not all, would be ticked.
I gained alot over this later half of 2010. Holding back to what could not be permanent is not going to be my trait anymore. I am still learning on this. However, losing myself is a bane. I told myself do not ever lose that. If what I say make some sense, then please do not lose yourself. Being honest to oneself is the best one can do to help oneself. I see betrayal to one’s own as one of the heart-wrenching self-infliction.
I love my family as much as I love myself. So if I ever hear something unpleasant being spoken about them out of pure nonsensical blabbers or with kind intentions but constructed from one’s narrow opinionated mindset, be prepared to get it from me. Feel glad because that will mean you are someone I care to let you a peace of my disgust. If not, you probably does not leave too much track in my life chapters.
Twenty eleven is targetted. And my hair is finally dry in this wee hours that I can finally sleep. So where are my fans? Make some noise!! >_< narcissism!
Now currently flying a few thousand miles high in mid air blogging this post. The complimentary wifi available in Delta Airlines over this holiday period is like a god-send. But the 3 hours of sleep so far makes me kinda tired to enjoy any of the entertainment onboard the flight.
Sipping my Sprite with the feeling of a bad stomach.
Just these 4 months, I have been to alot of places. Too many places within North America that I find it astounding. Toronto, Montreal, Quebec, Niagara Falls, Buffalo, Philadelphia, Washington DC, Las Vegas, Banff, Lake Louise, Jasper, Whitehorse, Vancouver, Seattle and the last stop pending is New York. I am writing this in Seattle Airport while waiting for my flight the next morning to NYC.
Add these places with the activities I have done so far. Watching classical music, picking apples, going theme park, riding up sky-high towers, watching IMAX films, skiing, aurora-gazing, museums-going, road-tripping, nature hiking etc. What else? There are more, but until I am more fresh and awake, I knew I cannot list anymore.
The world is so huge. Everywhere I go no matter how used I am to travelling, either alone or with groups, I still feel surreal that I am in another part of the world separated from my family. Some of the places I have visited resembled the places in Singapore. A small dark alley, a piece of cutlery, the doorway, the signage. Anything. I am just being reminded. But I am too being reminded that I am all alone. Alone that I could not reach home within a few days. Home as being defined as my real home in Singapore.
Sometimes I thought I will definitely and always become a better person from seeing more from what the world can offer me. But I also know I am not always right. Perhaps I am really away for too long from my closer ones that I did not realise I have become kinda what the society expects me to become. A long time guilt reoccurred to me suddenly that I am not practising what I should be doing. That is to cherish before people or things get lost.
The last leg of the trip to NY will last 5 days. I do not like to forecase what might happen, but it just happens and I seemed to know what will happen. Pushing myself to do what I should be doing is gonna be a challenge. But maybe that just will wrap up this long trip to be a memorable one.
For better or worse? I often take the positives. I still have so much to see from the world. Let this be a challenge for me to see more of it. Now, I need a recuperation.
I left with just 1 assignment and this is killing me. I could just heck care about it and do not bother. But I cannot.
It will cost me almost another 100 bucks to do this project. I am left with little budget left. I am already trying to keep my indulgences low but this is really a costly city to stay alive.
I should be happily planning my travel now but I am left with no mood for that. The fatigue that will build up over the leg of travel is surely gonna hit me hard. All for the positivity during the planning. I know it will be a challenge. Probably because of the winter. I do not like tired travel. The body strength could be sustained even with very little sleep, afterall it is travel. But I am not sure how long I could sustain that. Probably it is a blessing to have his absence in some leg of the trip. I get no good night sleep in his presence actually.
Less than 2 weeks left in Toronto and almost a month till I go home. I need to get ruled by my mind. Emotions stand no way.
Like my assignment though, harder than it seems.
听完了张宇的雨一直下，现在外边风不停地往窗户敲打。好吵，好难入睡。
咳嗽也让我很懊恼。我得尽快好起来。
3个月前我总有个梦。随着一天天我即将离去的到来，这梦越来越遥远。终究是个梦吧。
今晚入睡前满脑都是你。但这个冬天不太冷。它来得太早。
唉，明天一定很累。