cong a.k.a jordana site of me and updates (will change soon)

Why is it so hard to quit? I thought I am almost succeeding. I am so proud of myself. Yet the occurances, the apperances, the chances all came back again. I pulled myself out of the sludge since new year day. I cannot make the mistake again. It was not an easy decision altogether. Someone does not know them all. Nevermind. The one I could not lie is myself.

Honesty does not elude me when I was making the effort. Time begins to dilute the heavy memories then. I am succeeding. For the efforts in making myself feels better, for once in my life I think I should NOT become a better man.

Honesty escapes me now. I buried myself in heaps of lights blinding me from you. Other than the night sky, how I hate a room creeping of darkness. But thank goodness it was throughout the entire duration that night when darkness was very much needed. Any more moment of you as clear as my resolution I would be sinking even deeper. Still, I escaped the room, for a moment, as I escaped my determination, for I know I cannot determine the truth to myself as I once was firm of.

It still is till now. Crap.

How useless of me to crumple after just a month.

Beginning of February to look forward to… Learning to hate takes a whole new lesson.. So is answering to myself truely..

The frightening day we had the day before brought some chilly story to tell from my mum. She told us someone was knocking on the hotel room door in the middle of night for a period of time. And she kept seeing the photographs at S21 in her mind. Well, again, like we always do, we have to brush all that aside with excuses of fatigue and imaginations.

Final day of the tour. We were suppose to have free time for the whole day till we report to the airport. However, what was supposed to have 2 shopping trips in local markets the day before was being postponed to this final day as the guide told us visiting them in the morning is more bearable when comes to the rising temperatures.

No transport for us except to the airport, so we crammed inside the Toot toot and went to Russian Market. Russian Market is like our old style wet market, but more cramped and sells more varieties of souvenirs and apparels. The purse I was looking for as souvenir for someone since Siem Reap was no longer in sight. I should have bought it in Siem reap. But I bought 2 t-shirts for my buddies as well as 1 for myself.

Next we depart for Central Market, newly renovated. It is spacious and roughly sells the same things. The crowds were considerably lesser though. It was more of a sight seeing trip for me while my sisters and mother did the majority of the shopping. No surprise!

I was quite looking forward to the lunch as it was not planned for us. With the tour guide recommending the local favourites, he brought us to a small eatery and tried our taste buds with wild boar meat (still rather familiar as we used to eating in relatives’ house in Malaysia) and rabbit meat cooked in green spicy and sour soup (or green tom yam). I have had rabbit meat before in my visit to Beijing ages back and to Vietnam 3 years back. I thought they were delicious and taste like chicken. But that huge pot of soup were only half a rabbit worth of meat inside, we were told.

Not long, we were due for the airport check in. Some last few glances of the surroundings before the facades of airport appear before me. The feelings sucks. I had that in Perth, I had it again in Phnom Penh. And to think I have to used what I once told someone to look forward to the next holiday in dismissing such shitty feelings to myself. Boo.

More of the photos can be viewed at my facebook album.

Slept at 12+ past midnight (local time), woke up at 5+am. The day began very early, as we need to catch a coach taking us across the country to Phnom Penh. With everything readied and packed the night before, checking out the hotel was a breeze.

The 6 hours of coach ride was unfelt. Majority of the duration I had my earphones plugged in. Neither the sceneries of crops and agriculture outside the window nor the hilarious DVD the coach was showing interest me. My neck was stiffed, my mind was clear. Semi-conscious state again, yet I can see you so clearly in my mind.

Having just a stopover between a 6-hour ride was an ordeal especially when my bladder was filling up. Sharing a coffee with my dad midway at the break did more harm than keeping me awake. I rather snoozed deeply.

Phnom Penh is a crowded city. Traffic is packed and the air was more polluted than Siem Reap’s. Paces of life are a tad more upbeat than Siem Reap’s counterparts as well. Of course, what is indifferent was the delicacies Phnom Penh too could offer. Despite the lunch being one of the most unmemorable, it was still good nonetheless. So it was new City, new environment, and not to forget, new mini van and driver, as well as new tour guide for the rest of the days!

First stop of visit at Phnom Penh was the National Museum. All the triads and sculptures and statues I so used to seeing in my Asian Art Textbook just came alive in front of me. Although they were not exactly (still Buddhas though) what I was studying for the past semester, they are still similar in their appearances and functions which was not hard for me to draw references. I was also able to make comparisons. No longer am I restricted to small black and white photographs of the monuments with italic captions. What was described as 3m tall, you just gotta see it for yourself!

The next stop was the trip further down the district to the Royal Palace. Palaces, libraries (huge), offices (huge), temples (huge) etc, all are for the current aristocracy family. Gloriously built, the compound no doubt is gigantic, thus the reason and capability catering for tourism. Not much to describe my visit there as it concerns the royalty. The locals, the tour guide included, are at more suitable position to really give an insight details. *~gasps~* *~gasps~* Reactions of amazement were some of my reactions. Anyway, the King was there at that period while we were there, as the flag raised gave the signal. We just did not manage to catch sight of him. I cannot imagine if everyday throngs of strangers from everywhere the world would walk around my block. How great it is to be a King?

Final destination of the day was to the Casino! Naga Casino is an entertainment centre in the city district of Phnom Penh. Own time own target, we were “slotted” 1.5 hours there by our tour guide. After my first visit to Genting Casinos, I kinda feel it is a must to play a simple game of jackpots whenever there is a chance to enter a casino. Until Singapore Integrated Resorts are completed, which I do not think I might step in, the feelings of having some possibilities of cash returns in a holiday trip just tickles the euphoric senses, yeah?

I selected a machine based on my satisfactory level on the graphics. A visual person, yeah I know. Then my sister and I were procrastinating over the need to covert 5 USD1 to 1 USD5! Goodness. When I was back from asking the staff on our query, my dad and mum, who were wandering around as a pair reappeared. Conveniently, my dad sat on the machine I chosen. After our queries were solved as I explained to them what I was told, my dad began the game. If he was only going to get 3 tries, he still won it. USD150 windfall poured on him on the 3rd spin of the jackpot machine! A capital of USD5 won him USD150! And the conclusion? IT COULD HAVE BE ME! But, well, that is gamble. 50-50. Win-lose. Yes-no. Simple.

My small bet of USD5 won me nothing, despite tries on 2 different machines. But it was still fun at the casino, except the crowd was not as spectacular as Genting. So a high-tea at the cafeteria outside the casino was on the treat by my dad. Nice cake, nice mousse, and an awesome Singapore Sling for me!

The high tea did not allow much space for our dinner. However delicious the dishes were, we tried our best. Guilt again.

The night was an early retirement to the bed, but another late eventual sleep. I was missing someone then.

2nd day in Phnom Penh brought us to another highlight of the trip. A tragic event of recent Cambodian History, we would be visiting sites related to the Khmer Rouge era.

For those who knew the history behind this (what I would say is a forgotten history, similar to Korea war), Khmer Rouge was the period of 3 years regime during the last 3 years of the 1970s which brought terrible terrible terrible terrible and endless terrible sufferings to the locals as well as a portion of Vietnamese. A socialist state government headed by the notorious Pol Pot, this heinous devil in a human skin ruler practically masterminded the massacre of roughly 3 millions plus people, all within that period of 3 years. To cut long story short, without him, 3 millions plus innocents lives would not be lost. Why he did that? Probably Hitler who were similarly psychotic could answer that.

So tourism spots related to Khmer Rogue were no doubt about deaths, unfortunately. The first stop for us was the Killing Fields. An approximately 30 minutes drive away from our hotel brought us to this cold (not that the blazing sun was not hot), barren parchy land enclosed with fences and walls. Inside the compound we saw a few more excursions buses. A short walk up from the main entrance stood a notice, first of the handful around, telling us what could have happened 30 years back when the innocents were truck-loaded there. But the tower ahead of us caught most people eyes as the central column could be viewed from the outside with the glass windows. Inside the columns were all bones and skulls and remains of the dead and tortured. We bought a flower and some incense, a mandatory rite in my own opinion but not compulsory, and pay our respect to the deceased. It was just so silent.

Walking around the tower we could have a closer look at the remains. Visible fractures, holes, missing fragments could be seen on skulls. A cabinet of the clothes they once used to wear was kept inside as well. More information notices were placed around the tower for the visitors. If the piling skulls and bones were overwhelming, wait till we walked around the complex with our guide.

He brought us around certain paths and areas where more signboards were erected. Those were the prominent spots where the executors carried out their torturings. NC16 content follows. Basic tools like mallets, spades, hammers etc were the executing tools. They scraped, knocked, stabbed and whatever hideous methods they could think of to the prisoners. No guns and bullets. Genders and age groups were separated. Babies were grabbed by their feet and smashed the whole body against the hard tree trunk. There is a type of tree growing in large numbers in Cambodia that has razor sharp and saw-like leaves. Such strong and hard leaves were used to saw the throat of the prisoners as well to drip the blood dry.

Pit holes are commonly seen in the Killing Fields. They were dug for the remains we saw inside the tower. I suspect everywhere we were stepping on there were human remains a few feet below. The guide told us the government has already stopped digging. 3 millions plus of lives. And this is just one of the Killing Fields.

Our faces were all stone-etched from the visit. Basically it was just unimaginable such inhumane acts could be committed. Guess what, the age of those executors then were only 13-15 years old! Oh my god!!

Anyway,  a visit to a temple and lunch was sandwiched in between this trip and another Khmer Rouge site. It was not too far away from our hotel either (jeeze). We were brought to the S21, a secondary school-turned torturing site for the young bastards before they finished them at various Killing Fields.

The place was cold, again, if you get what I mean. Eerie, terribly eerie. This would really be a true gut-test for people comes at night, not that it is opened at night.

A block of the school had individual classrooms locked for single prisoner. Inside each and every room was a bed frame without mattress, a crowbar and a shackle. Plus, on the wall was a framed photograph of what we might expect to see for a tortured inmate. A brief idea on what was done to them, NC16 content follows. Prisoners were first beaten, battered and chained-locked to the bed with chains on their wrists. Shackles were locked to their feet. Terrible thing was, the shackles were one size fits all. So if the ankle was too small to fit, they would be whacked by bars until they were swollen and too big to slide out. If they were too huge to fit through, they would be sliced by knives till the size fits in. Torturing continues with whatever tools the executors were happy with. Scalding, whipping, tearing, I could not bear to think of more action words to describe. One photograph on the wall, take a deep breath,  showed a man helplessly strapped with the skin of his face totally torn off, revealing the skull-like features, with him still alive. Oh my oh my. Sigh.

Blood stains were everywhere within the building. The ceilings stains were especially obvious. Stairways up to the higher storeys showed the path of blood once dripped. The whole place still reeks of pungent blood smells if you are sensitive enough to pick up, especially on such hot and humid day we visited, no joke.

Other blocks have barb wire erected on the front of the whole building, so as to prevent prisoners from committing suicide and ending a fast death. Other rooms were partitioned with bricks to create toilet cubicles-like spaces, only wide enough to stand 3 adults I reckon, for holding prisoners. Photographs of the victims, before and after (considerably lesser) were shown on big panels. Even the young executors brained washed to carrying out these crimes were shown. Totally appalled.

Illustrations were put up too to give visitors a better idea on what nasty things were done. Fingers (not nails) were snipped off, nipples of women were snipped off, centipedes were sent to crawl on these open wounds etc.

Such visual attacks of these gruesome acts were guilty enough, and more so with me describing. The actual performances by the adolescents seemingly in all too common fashion without any sense of human compassion is just sheer bewildering.

The last activity of the day was spent on a boat cruising down Tonle Sap River (different from Tonle Sap Lake in Siem Reap), and entering Mekong River. We were told the different colour of the respective rivers would not mixed upon meeting. I did not notice. I did not even know when we had reached Mekong or Tonle Sap. Overall, not much of a difference to the experience we had in Siem Reap, but it was an additional activity not inside the original itinerary. Probably that was needed to draft us away from the solemn day we had from the Khmer Rogue sites we had visited.

More of the photos can be viewed at my facebook album.

Cambodia is 1 hour behind us. But my watch was not synchronised throughout the trip. The feeling of clawing back an additional hour for a holiday trip just seemed so worthwhile, if only the plane did not stop by Danang, Vietnam! So I actually travelled to 2 countries to be exact!

Siem Reap Airport was rather barren. Other than the confusing queues to immigration and transit, the procedures through the customs were swift. We met our tour guide after a short walk out. For the ease of my parents, we had requested for a Mandarin-speaking guide, whom, in the end, spoke majority in Cantonese!

To our delight, we were the only people for that group. So it turned out to be a private tour for the rest of the trip! No waiting for others, no sharing of food with others. From transportation to food to explanations, we would be the only personnels catered! Glee!

A lunch buffet greeted us immediately after departure from airport. I should not have taken that much from the SilkAir meal if I had known! My worse regret was not having the ice-cream, nowhere available in the subsequent buffets we gonna have. Yes, there were more buffets in the coming days! We were brought back to our hotel by the mini van after our lunch for some rest before embarking on our first stop, a boat ride through Tonle Sap Lake.

A rough ride to Tonle Sap Lake exposed us to both the rich and the poor. Huge mansions could stand tall on one side of the road, while rough compromises they called "roof" with poor sanitations could exist by the shore of canals and streams on the other side. Harsh reality it might seem. But it is no wonder there is always a tinge of envy, no matter how minute, for city dwellers like us, on the carefree life they lead.

Prior to boarding the boat, and as we would soon find out in subsequent arrival or departure of certain tourism spots, hordes of dishevelled locals, nevermind the age, would cluster around us for donations. Part of the reason my Dad was so eager to change his USD into the local currency was to give out donations he sees prompt along the way. The problem, we knew long ago, was that such actions only invited more begging.

The boat ride was rather monotonous. What were interesting are the settlements peppered around the lake. They are literally living on a river without much proper sanitations and accomodational structures. The kids could not care less. Naked and bare-footed, they roll, they swim, they chase within the mud and in the water. Could one’s wealth buy that? They are not worse than any of us in fact, for they are kicking and alive, YET happy. Who is the winner?

Skiing along the lake brought us to a "kelong-stop", which frankly speaking I am totally clueless about the existence of that stop and the reason for it. Alligators (or crocodiles, I could not tell the difference) are bred there, maybe as a source of food. But what I know was that the snack we had during the stop over was rather unforgettable! Steamed (presumbly) mini-prawns, or shrimps! Simply delicious! Fresh and sweet. The aromatic juice of the invertebrates sucked together with the special dressing of sort seemingly unique to Cambodia made our day. The dressing’s sharp zing of saltiness and soury bit was sealing perfectly with the seafood flavour of the shrimps.

Nothing special on the way back to boarding of our mini van, except the local kids brought to us shocks of our day. Every individual one of us had our face captured, in the most candid manner, and imprinted onto ceramic saucer plates, with decorative motifs around the photo. Served as a momento, it cost USD3 each. Only my Dad bought his. Brilliance of candids, they are definitely masters in their own rights. I am kinda shell-shocked.

Dinner was too early for the day, so we were brought to a local night market for some light shopping. Understandably, there is always a reason why it was called "night market". People normally would not schedule a night market shopping on a time they already deemed is too early for dinner. Instead of experiencing the bustle of such markets, we had a rather quiet moment to our own. So unique.

Dinner was great. All meals were fantastic throughout the trip. My family thought they were quite oily. I am fine with it. Gigantic servings, we could not finish, we were guilty.

First day was so relax and free. I could not help but compare it to the hectic schedule I had to follow on my Western Australia trip. However, this pace should be suiting my parents quite well. And so the tour guide suggested to us to have some massaging to while away the early night, as well as to prepare our body for the next day taxing timetables of visit to the Ang Kor Wat. I am more tense to hear his suggestion. My slip-disc had given me some of the worse experience and pain I could hardly forget up till my current living meter. The thought of such untimely relapse due to possible "unprofessional" (assumptions) pressings and knucklings on my back was just so unimaginable. Suddenly, family pressure, instead of peer pressure, was something I felt for the first time. As I did not wish to strip away the enjoyment for my family, I agreed to it, ONLY to have it done to my feet.

The parlour (I hope that’s the correct/healthy word) is one of the biggest and "cleanest" in Siem Reap, at least that was what the tour guide told us. They greeted us like VVIPs upon entering and led us to a dim, but huge room, with each individual sections divided with curtains. Males and females are separated only by the curtains. It was a requirement to change into a bathing suit of sort which I did not follow for my feet were the only massagable areas.

In summary, the feeling was good, albeit some postures and massaging techniques were interesting appalling.

Breakfast for 2nd day was simple but good. We had a well-rested night throughout, probably due to the massage, as we start the day fresh visiting a wonder of the world. One of the highlights of the trip, Ang Kor Wat was much eagerly anticipated by all of us.

Ang Kor Wat is astonishingly considered more of an archaelogical site than monument, as we were told, because up till now this wonderful ancient kingdom of temples and cities are still deep in the forest or someway in the ground to be discovered. With that in mind, imagine the extensiveness of the full complete structure if the current, surfaced relics are considered humongous, understandably with visiting pass of up to a week (or a month) for sale.

Sculptures, carvings, statues. All made of stones. Extreme engineering, exemplarary feat, extraordinary architecture… Although I did not bring my photographic sense of sight to this trip (just wanna enjoy holidays with family), the pictures, however mediocre some may be, should still be enough to illustrate the grandeur than sometimes meaningless adjectives.

The whole of 2nd day was nothing but Ang Kor Wat. Maybe to my 2 sisters it might have a little extra. They bought a hat each, to their delight, at one stop-over break at some local roadside stalls. The itinerary ended with a view of the sunset in Siem Reap. What was initially thought to be an excuisite orange yolk setting behind the backdrop of the the famous Ang Kor "skyline" was nothing more than a normal sunset over a generic bird’s eye view of Siem Reap plains. But to count our blessings, the weather had been fantastic for the whole day. Still, the hardwork of trekking up the hill and climbing some steep elevated stone steps to catch something Changi Beach could offer was not comforting, especially for my parents.

Dinner was another buffet! Delicious. Period. The bitter part before the meal was when I realised the ISO setting I was shooting for my Fuji Velvia 100 slides was 1600! Terribly sunken. I specially bought Velvia to test out the rich colour saturation, especially so applicable on days like that when the sky was deep hue of blue with awesome landscapes. And I made this schoolboy (not that I am not a schoolboy) noobish mistake. I was switching between Fuji Neopan 1600 B&W and Velvia 100 as and when the situations called. The ISO setting was totally overlooked because of this! 4 stops of difference! All shots taken at Ang Kor Wat with Velvia were underexposed by 4 crazy stops!! And it was not as if I could always spend the time to reshoot again as and when I could. ARGH!!

There were performances of traditional Cambodian dances during dinner. Graceful.

To cap the night off, Spurs lost 1-0 to Wolves. Unbelievable. I did not have a good night sleep. Too much things on my mind. The need to wake up so early the next day for the trip down to Phnom Penh did not help.

More of the photos can be viewed at my facebook album.

… I have not even posted any entry on my Cambodia trip. Damn it. This has to stop. I realise I spent alot of my non-schooling days learning about myself. It is kind of good as these lessons, life-long lessons, are nowhere to be learnt. So many things I always experienced in my non-schooling days got me thinking so hard into my life. And the “fees” I paid for these lessons are not cheap. Priceless to be exact.

But they are worth it! Still a long way in my life but I glad these start sooner than later, for there are so many things I should have done better. Time to look forward though. At least have to try.

K, Cambodia Day 1 and 2 to be posted real soon. Logging into windows to sort the pictures in….. Windows 7 logo is beautiful……..

很奇怪，已经设法把你的一切忘去，删去，怎么还是post了这种烂post。才两个月，想忘的有多难？
真的很难。我说的你一向都似乎都没什么相信。没关系，但我一向说的都是最真的。
两个月来了解一个人似乎十分不容意。但我认为我对你几乎做到了。我没那么好运给你认识到，不过我脆弱的一面却无防地展现于你。你说你需要时间，我该早已退出。你说我该放弃，我该早已离开。我想不通为何我会认为我们必须给予对方更多的时间去了解对方更深。爱是没时框的。多两年人与人的距离也不会更短。这点我想我们应该会实现。很遗憾。
总觉得有事情阻碍了一切。开头那么的美好。后来变化得太大，太多，太离谱。两个月的认识不冲动。之前的虽不算暗示，但绝非不明显。我认识的你不是那么没分寸的。
再分析也没用。我不想放弃，我对你说过，不骗你。原来有一天我真的没在想你。我想这就是你一直以来畏惧的。我对你说过要以爱换爱。我没换到，好累。真的很累。
我喜欢你的多话，你却害怕会有聊完的一天。当时的你活在未来，现在的我恋着你的过去。现在总觉得你变了好多好多。才两个月我像认识了两个人。
你的逻辑我不能苟同。这竟然荒谬地成了你对我的偏见，也成了你给我的败笔。之前我还认为这是我能所包容的。原来不然。但我曾说服我自己，你没让我认为你曾经说服过你自己。
你的开朗，热忱，用心，努力，上进，就在那么短暂的时间已不被我感受。我没后悔该说的或许得在一个月前说。毕竟当时我真的把你的学业看的比我自己的还重。
糊涂的相处最愉快。有你的陪伴让我那晚的作业拼搏变地十分欢乐愉快，真的很难忘。
你死都不信缘分。我没办法让你相信。固执的你很矛盾，你也许没察觉。没关系，因为我相信缘分。

So soon another travel when Western Australia road trip was still etched fresh in my mind. Somehow everythings seemed untimely. Unless I keep this blog private, no point for me to divulge why it was untimely, then no point I would blog in the first place.

Flight timing was damn early, at 7.55am! Check-in timing would mean 5.55am! Choatic waking-up of my family members (yeah, forgot to mention this was a family trip) would thus be 4+am! My mum was the real deal, 3+am alarm clock sounded, when I was just only about to sleep! ZzzZZzzzzZ But no regrets. If you are reading this, I owed you this, “thanks”.

Long check-in queues were no surprise at Terminal 2. My mood and handphone were just as unsettling as the luggages being channelled along the conveyor. No pain no gain, no wait no faith. (No link, so don’t bother)

Wanton mee for breakfast at Terminal 3 seemed to be our ritual when we depart early for holidays in flights. The feelings of going with family members and with friends in travelling are just so different. But I had to be happier for I am together with my dearest people in my life. So shut that particular vacancy in my mind for some days and enjoy the closest companionship my life just got another chance to have, I fxxkingly told myself. I tried.

So preoccupied was I nothing special happened for me to take note of. After some snapping of pictures within the airport, 7.55am sharp SilkAir took off. M1 registered my last SMS 10 minutes prior and boom, airplane mode. Period.

Took no photos at all with my DSLR. All these were courtesy of my sisters’ cameras. Just a wee bit more photos for intro here in my facebook album.

Time flies. Some of my best days in life incredibly I did not blog them thus far. Maybe there are just chances those would only become sore memories. A feeling of bathing too long in a tub of luke warm water that had u so comfortable only to be caught a cold soon after because of the chilly water it had become without you realising. Well, crap.

I am getting afloat, so hopefully this blog will too. But no guarantee, since this blog may just stagnate after a period of intensity yet again, for my travelogue to Cambodia will soon be posted.

The Future No One Knows, I just hope people know.

4th week into my 2nd year school term, that was the first week I experienced full fledged 5-days “work-week”. I did not have the luxury of time to split my timetable to 3 or 4 days week due to my slow registration of my courses. But having the subjects spreaded evenly out to 5 days allowed me to have fair share of free time each day to do my assignments and revisions. Fortunately is also the fact that I would not benefit from having free time at home for assignments since I very much needed the dark room facilities in school to do them.

Deutsch is confusing at times, but I am eager without pushing too much myself to revise it. Sound design is something I have dwelled with before and learning the new software Pro Tools is not much of a problem for me, except maybe the lab is just too cold. Digital printing of photos is never really new to me, other than the confusing steps taught by my lecturer which I think is incorrect (UPDATE: all’s clarified ). I will discuss with him when I find the chance. Dark room is time-consuming, no doubt. Watching the clock ticking past during developing and printing is heart-aching.

All these sounds like complaints. But they are not. I love them. It is not easy to say passion drives you forward even when you are tired physically. But this time round I can convincingly say so. I just woke up from a 12 hour sleep, even skipping a weekend make-up lecture. I know I will revise it later as well as planning for next week hectic schedule again. My body and will is not dragging with unwillingness. Shooting a new roll of film this weekend is also in the agenda. And planning what to shoot for self-portraits is another ‘boring’ part. We tend to bitch about anything, but the underlying proportions of true feelings cannot escape our self-acknowledgment.

This semester does not seem as bad as I thought after coming back from my Western Australia holiday. Oh yah, where is my after-thoughts from the trip? It will be written, but something is occupying my mind currently. I thought fate is kind enough for me to meet her twice, within the same occasion. I am hoping for a third encounter, really, but which has so little chance of happening again. I want it 8/10 soon.

So I am done (perhaps) with my revision of History of Phtotography, Deutsch revision seems 80% done as well. But whatever it is, the mood now from the rainy weather and the question so furiously debated in Facebook has gotten me the mood again for some harsh reality check, probably both for me as well as whoever bothers to read this entry.

Among the group of professions, or maybe just practitioners, those who dabble in the field of arts and creativity always find themselves lost. Let’s make it ourselves instead. We so often questioned the goal of our passion. And I meant the ultimate goal. Maybe I sound too far fetch now for I am still 23 and not yet stepped into the field being a full time professional. But don’t we hold that flickering flame in us ever since we took out this practice to engage in a field of occupation so seemingly carefree with the creative-freedom we could be endowed that we forever distanced ourselves from desk-bound jobs most people are contended with?

Underlined the keywords above. Occupation. Carefree. Creative-freedom. Contended.

Occupation. Yes. We need to earn money. We need to be fed and have to feed others. Most notably our parents. So we can do whatever avant-garde, retro, contemporary (fill in any genre you so religiously sticked to) works we like, we love. The thing is the works must be liked and loved by others as well. And the others are sometimes none other than investors, employers, even simple passer-bys and audiences. They are indirectly our source of “zeroes” in our paycheck. So “commercialisation” is the big word on top of the umbrella, UNLESS you managed to put “Self-Employed” above all heirachy. And that is only sustainable if you still consider commercialisation somewhere.

Carefree and creative-freedom. Again, we can enjoy these if we are the bosses. Or at least the directors in a common commercially creative structure. Staying humble I think is the key. Talented we might be, in the eyes of others, especially the superiors, either we are deemed inferior (that’s why they are the superiors), or what we did was never enough or the best. I mentioned before, my former RSM said: “Don’t always think you had done the best, when in the eyes of others you had done just enough”. Strip the airs of “I know” and put on that jacket only when the environment calls. You will feel the comfort. Conversely, telling one self “I sucks” is not easy, but I think it helps.

Contended. I will always remember my professor for Understanding Singapore Society, Lim Chee Han, once asked, “So what if you study?” Get a degree. “So what you get a degree?”. To secure a good job in the future. “So what you secure a good job in the future?” To be rich? “So what if you are rich?” So we can be happy? This is a question of life and the answers will be similar most of the time for most people. Then is the process important since (maybe) contention and happiness are the eventual answers we sought?

Studying in Arts, Design and Media in NTU, maybe the order of the name gave away the clues. Arts (artistic development) in the foundation year, Design (conceptual development) in the 2nd and 3rd years, and Media (commercial development) in the final year. Ok. I am crapping. But I always feel ADM is too much of an artistic school for my liking than a design school which I am more comfortable with. So with people in my school feeling otherwise I am quite baffled. If they are right, I feel we should all feel blessed. In my opinion, a pure Arts school who can give you all freedom you wished for in your productions with no development of commercial intend is a degeneration to Arts they feel so attached to. I am capitalistic inclined. Pardon me.

So in the hoohah of self-identity search, my direction I gave myself is clear. Get the f**k out of school if I think I cannot get beneficial knowledge out of it. Simple. No point harping over what the school cannot provide over what I wished to be doing. I heard that umpteen times since my Poly days. If you think you have seen enough, you probably have not. So complaining over what one’s want to do but not getting them in school curriculum, maybe quitting is the resolution. If something stops you from doing that, answer to yourself frankly. Maybe it is just a transcript of the bachelor that holds you back. No surprise here in Singapore. Then revised Chee Han’s question once more. Lying to yourself is the greatest enemy to self-improvement. I still sucks in this myself.

Weekends can be spent sleeping all you want if that is what makes you happy. Pondering over the above all the time is not healthy. I am convincing myself too. So do what you like or something outside your major is. You might not even have school on all 5 weekdays. So any valid excuse? But always stop-check and braced youself against the harshest reality the society got to offer for us being adults are responsible for. And to my NTU friends, do take up some electives you really like. Busy-happy is better than slacking-piss.

My 2 cents.