cong a.k.a jordana site of me and updates (will change soon)

Almost a month here spent in Toronto for my exchange. All along I knew this was a choice I made and it could not be wrong. Vincent reminded me somehow.

Yes, what are the worries? I was elated to get this opportunity. Subjecting myself to so much uncontrollable situations only got me so worn out. So worn out.

My confidence never was so low in my life. Never. I was so afraid at everything I do, every simple decisions to make. I know I am not myself when simple instructions I could not even follow in food labels or organising simple travel plans. Pit bottom. I had no one to haul me up here. My soul was being confronted with the bashings of a more stronger soul of my past.

If you think your breathing was heavy, you probably have not seen mine. If you think your premonitions are strong, you probably have not heard mine.

I seemed to have lost the teachings taught by my father. I miss the sundays breakfasts. I miss his naggings, which to me now sound more like consolations. I know I never did anything wrong to my conscience. He definitely is not going to make me feel any better, just that I know my doings are affirmed, whenever he lectures.

There is an inner voice in me telling me to cherish what I have now. It is always so close to shaving off little by little what I had without making the effort to top it up. Do not expect me to behave what you wish me to. It is me that I am losing, in the way I behave the way I do.

And I let it be, most of the time.

It is interesting to note how human categorize things. According to their beliefs, their preferences, their similarities, their biasness etc. The list goes on. Most often we just could not leave out personal agendas.

Obviously there are more crucial things to settle after an initial decision has been made. Procrastinations really are devil of time. And human never (ever will) get the relief we should be getting from this demonoid. A considerable amount of time has passed and the decision was still laid on the table.

For goodness sake, a few dollars savings would not buy one a satisfying meal, for I bet the scrimping nature would not even allow one to splurge on a decent meal at all! What is more is the fact that the few dollars savings actually buy one true colours! How cheap and thanks!

The sense of community and togetherness should always be the highest priority and of utmost importance in a land of unknown except amongst one another. Shortcomings are tolerable. In the process of just fulfilling one’s personal agenda, however, and overlooking the basic integrity is just too much.

I pity the unknowing party. I will be damn disgusted. It’s either I know too much or I knew nothing. Anyway all these are not rocket science. But it just could take so much for others to understand. Being selfish is the moral of the story.

But it is just a story, right?

I felt like I have been here in Toronto for so long. Except for some minor cultural differences that still grip me, I am localizing like a local.

But I am only here for only slightly more than 2 weeks.

My camera has always been mounted on my tripod at a corner beside my messy table of workstation. A canon 7D only used for taking snap shots of dinner I have cooked. What joke!

Gotta admit I am lazy slugging that workhorse around me whenever I go. iPhone camera works as good as I expected, or rather as close to my current expectations are. I am still not in travelling mood. Am still not.

My railway documentary is almost completing. Silly of me to bring so much pressure upon myself to do the editing even when I am so far away. But this work of mine is only so little of what I promised myself during the long holidays I had months ago. It is definitely more than a small step to soothe my personal ego to finish a documentary, more importantly I do not wish to disappoint whoever giving me the support and encouragement all along.

My luggage was overweight on one of the pair I brought here to Toronto. I had to repack them 3 times to evenly distribute the weight between the two. No doubt I brought alot of stuffs here. Most of them were actually meant to be thrown away while I stuffed new things in to bring home.

I told my exchange mates the reason why this trip is more than just a 5 month sting, which could be so stressful, so busy etc, is because I will be going through something my peers would not be able to go through. What I am going to bring home is priceless. Thus the space I will be reserving in my luggage, my spiritual luggage.

My camera will soon see the light in Toronto. A wife is more than just being a housewife eh? Both of them deserved more than that surely.

I was planning how to get back using the tracks on the roads. Observing as well how the cyclist turns and manoeuvred. But I am rushing for time to the meetup place. It was far, yet I didn’t know it was that far.

I keep walking and hoping the next building was the one. The numbers not yet tallied. Searching for ATM was the next priority for I did not have any cash at all to pay for my purchase. However the ATM only allowed me to withdraw 800 instead of the 1900 I was hoping for. Screw it. I am late. Hope the seller will wait for me.

Half am hour later I reached the place, exhausted. The walk was far far too lengthy. Took me an hour to walk. I am very late. It was already 4.30pm, way off the time of the scheduled 4pm. I saw no one. Being alone in a country far away is boring and daunting enough, much less in another place so far from my stay in a foreign land. Left with the last resort will be to on my iPhone roaming to check if he replied to the emails. After sending him my contact details and apologies, the last thing would be to hope he will call back and come back to meet me. 900kb of data used. I could not bear to think of the charges incurred back at home.

45 minutes of futile wait yielded no results. I am giving up at the half an hour mark. The thought of walking back for the next hour scares me.

My spoiling sneakers hurt my feet. The weather is so damn good now I could only be armed with my iPhone camera. No complains. The weather will be as good comes the next time I am here at the harbour. Similarly I will be back with a bike as my vehicle.

At least I reached an attraction today! Toronto musical garden. Finally saw some waters in my stay here. Though the result could not be more sad, seriously. But positivity rules!

Tired. The breeze so cooling but another stretch of roads await me ahead. Gosh. 12 hours ahead you people are sleeping. Who can I tell now regarding my plight? Anyway, 1 more hour to home. More hours to lay my legs on a bike!

P.S I found out my bag was stuck with chewing GUM!! Damn it!! A day could not be worse…..

4 days (or 3?) settling into Toronto city. I totally have no mood of thinking I am travelling or exchange. The mere thought of thinking I have to settle down here for another 4 months and a further month in this far end of the continent got me really shivering.

How difficult it is to adapt? Perhaps I am too good at adapting that I have no feelings to my surroundings here. Shoved off the map; how difficult it is to get lost if we are to ply the routes for the next 4 months?

I have no intention to start any travel blog on my trip here. Maybe except until I got to the final month of true exploring this North America with no educational botherings hanging in my mind.

5 months away will be the longest I will be away so far. To say I miss those people I care for so much is already an understatement. “Missing” is just a word. The emotion could never ever be described in any language of civilisation. The 12 hours of time difference really just made the feelings even harder to acknowledge.

The idea of connections start from the simplest of things or smells or thoughts or conversations or sights that allowed me to even fail to not think of you.

I just wanna settle down at a permanent residential housing ASAP. This entrapment of 4 walls inside a hostel, albeit clean and fabulous, is killing me from all rational thinkings. Phone lines to settle, school courses to settle, transportation to settle etc etc etc….

How to tell you I miss you?

我变得不会太会说话了。
不是不会发表我的观点，而是不会说些让人去信服的话。
花言巧语不是我强项。承诺像空头支票。把难听点的话说地婉转点我或许就不赖。
重点在于我很在乎别人对我的信任。问题因此出在这。说得头头是道容易有眼高手低的可能性。说得附有理性及逻辑缺乏那一点有魅力的说服力。
与其尝试在两者之间找个适中的妙语法则，不如用行动来证明我想要大家可以信服的是值得信服的。
甜言蜜语不在我与你之间出现才是让简简单单的我x你三字更有诚意。
做傻子很好啊。傻子也有梦想，就是希望其他人也都变成傻子。谁才是真正的傻子呢？

多两个星期就飞了。半年前的愿望现在就像在冷嘲热讽地笑说我许的愿成真了！
我不可能会后悔这个选择。我想我绝对会比任何去交流的人还想念我爱的人。而我爱的人也绝对不会辜负我看似残酷的期望。
也没什么残酷。只不过是5个月，又不是5年。
我很爱家人啦。脸上看不出啊，没血没泪的外表不代表一切。不见五个月还真是活之久以来最长的一次。
这个假放得太长了。放得我真的十分愧疚。钱赚不多，花得虽不挥霍，却也不则安之。
我早出晚归，迟睡迟起，或整夜不归，又有调酒的嗜好，我从不被责骂过。不是因为我不备受在乎，而是备受信任。家人完全了解我根本不会作出为损个人名誉或身体的伤害。我所得的体恤与谅解不会被滥用。恶习不缠身是我对这些爱最基本的接纳。所以酗酒成瘾我绝不允许让自己发生。
写了一半就去了4天4夜的云顶金马仑游。再度重温4年前我家的旧梦。会否每4年都去吗？我不知道。最棒的回忆仍停留在4年前。但我真的很珍惜眼前的一切一切。真的。
要飞了。半年前的执着已变成一项设法延长任何所存的时间的任务。
而我也真的没后悔当初的选择。
新加坡国庆日快乐！会想你！

2 hours 11 minutes into my 24th year of life the moment I started this sentence. 1986 was the year I was bornt in. I think it was close to 8.40pm being the exact time I was delivered. I love my IC numbers, 2124 being part of it, similarly my handphone, 9296 being part of it, a series of numbers I carried ever since I got my mobile line. 0317519 was my polytechnic matriculation student number and a number easily remembered, I believed for my whole life, much so than my current university number which I easily forget everytime. All were odd numbers, not that I love odd numbers, but the arrangement was cohesive to me in a particularly manner. I had successfully, and fortunately, took 2 complete cycles past the Chinese 12 zodiac animals. Up till now, I believed I am owing bank and school a cumalative rounded total amount of $21,000 for my education. 8 years back I was thinking what it will be like during the World Cup 2002 at Japan/Korea that 8 years later will feel like at age 24. No special feelings. I felt more wise. I am glad. Setting a target for another 4 and 8 years later actually to me is unrealistic. But nonetheless at age 28 and 32 seems like a wonderful milestone for a guy. Richer and wiser would be appropriate! By the way, 3, 6 and 9 I always felt them to be my lucky numbers.

Numbers, humans quantification. Even the time now could not even be verified as real time. But I love my birthdate, 26th July 1986.

1 more day to my birthday. Initially I was fearful of going through the day, do not ask me why. My cousins came today for a pre-celebration and also as a bidding of farewell for my departure to Toronto next month. But so extensively out for the week this week that I am always grogy and slept alot so far.
但怎么睡脑子里还是有她。都不知还在怕什么。原本还认为我已很豁达，起床后却才发现24岁或许是个借口。
太好了，24岁。我想我对自己的未来更明朗。别怕咯。别人的想法我无需太在意。
想起364天前的过去还感触良多。最为值得反省的莫过于言语上的考量。曾经说过言语是多么有杀伤力的。昨天我又再犯。好后悔。是该有所检讨了。对不起。
只剩下24天我就飞了。恐慌。似乎有太多事还没应付。今天的我只想睡。什么都不想想，除了你。
美味的晚餐吃得开心。我想我得在我离开前去吃吃更多的新加坡美食了。
最后，不晓得你是否会读到这post，反正也没人看，我还担心什么。给我个反应吧。
该做的我一定做得到~ 还有，除了你，希望火车站的纪录片会是我这24天的动力。

今天是她的试镜。（现在是11:11！） 我很早起身。累却睡不着。3天了都是这样。第8次去火车站，我会没感觉吗？作好这个documentary project 我想是我给自己最好的礼物。但更希望会接到一通好消息的来电。