cong a.k.a jordana site of me and updates (will change soon)

Almost a month here spent in Toronto for my exchange. All along I knew this was a choice I made and it could not be wrong. Vincent reminded me somehow.

Yes, what are the worries? I was elated to get this opportunity. Subjecting myself to so much uncontrollable situations only got me so worn out. So worn out.

My confidence never was so low in my life. Never. I was so afraid at everything I do, every simple decisions to make. I know I am not myself when simple instructions I could not even follow in food labels or organising simple travel plans. Pit bottom. I had no one to haul me up here. My soul was being confronted with the bashings of a more stronger soul of my past.

If you think your breathing was heavy, you probably have not seen mine. If you think your premonitions are strong, you probably have not heard mine.

I seemed to have lost the teachings taught by my father. I miss the sundays breakfasts. I miss his naggings, which to me now sound more like consolations. I know I never did anything wrong to my conscience. He definitely is not going to make me feel any better, just that I know my doings are affirmed, whenever he lectures.

There is an inner voice in me telling me to cherish what I have now. It is always so close to shaving off little by little what I had without making the effort to top it up. Do not expect me to behave what you wish me to. It is me that I am losing, in the way I behave the way I do.

And I let it be, most of the time.

I was planning how to get back using the tracks on the roads. Observing as well how the cyclist turns and manoeuvred. But I am rushing for time to the meetup place. It was far, yet I didn’t know it was that far.

I keep walking and hoping the next building was the one. The numbers not yet tallied. Searching for ATM was the next priority for I did not have any cash at all to pay for my purchase. However the ATM only allowed me to withdraw 800 instead of the 1900 I was hoping for. Screw it. I am late. Hope the seller will wait for me.

Half am hour later I reached the place, exhausted. The walk was far far too lengthy. Took me an hour to walk. I am very late. It was already 4.30pm, way off the time of the scheduled 4pm. I saw no one. Being alone in a country far away is boring and daunting enough, much less in another place so far from my stay in a foreign land. Left with the last resort will be to on my iPhone roaming to check if he replied to the emails. After sending him my contact details and apologies, the last thing would be to hope he will call back and come back to meet me. 900kb of data used. I could not bear to think of the charges incurred back at home.

45 minutes of futile wait yielded no results. I am giving up at the half an hour mark. The thought of walking back for the next hour scares me.

My spoiling sneakers hurt my feet. The weather is so damn good now I could only be armed with my iPhone camera. No complains. The weather will be as good comes the next time I am here at the harbour. Similarly I will be back with a bike as my vehicle.

At least I reached an attraction today! Toronto musical garden. Finally saw some waters in my stay here. Though the result could not be more sad, seriously. But positivity rules!

Tired. The breeze so cooling but another stretch of roads await me ahead. Gosh. 12 hours ahead you people are sleeping. Who can I tell now regarding my plight? Anyway, 1 more hour to home. More hours to lay my legs on a bike!

P.S I found out my bag was stuck with chewing GUM!! Damn it!! A day could not be worse…..

Time flies. Some of my best days in life incredibly I did not blog them thus far. Maybe there are just chances those would only become sore memories. A feeling of bathing too long in a tub of luke warm water that had u so comfortable only to be caught a cold soon after because of the chilly water it had become without you realising. Well, crap.

I am getting afloat, so hopefully this blog will too. But no guarantee, since this blog may just stagnate after a period of intensity yet again, for my travelogue to Cambodia will soon be posted.

The Future No One Knows, I just hope people know.

It has been so long since I last blogged. I am very busy and hectic from what have been ongoing.

My Asian Art History Test just finished, I just got back my German Test results, I had developed my roll of Black and White film, I had edited my production stills for my friends, I had shot production stills for my friends, I had finished scanning my 2nd roll of colour slides, I had collected my 2nd roll of developed colour slides, I had shot finished my 2nd roll of colour slide on the same locations twice, I had finished editing my entry for IBDA’A competition, I had finished burning them to CDs, I had finished my King Kong sound analysis, I had brought my tripod to school for the 4th time, I had walked City Hall area for 4 times within 2 weeks, I had printed my digital prints, I had developed my prints in dark room, I had done split filtering, I had finished on a pack of fibre-based paper, I had finished scanning my 1st roll of colour slide, I had collected my 1st developed roll of colour slides, I had done my German Written Assignment………

The above were not meant to be read. There are more than what I have been doing since I last blogged. Just know that when exist as a whole, they are just a chunk of things, so preoccupying. I need a break, just a tiny one will suffice.

So tomorrow no lesson for a Friday!
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<— small break
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I finally could have a time off in the morning for a swim! God bless tomorrow weather.

It has only been recently that my blog has been hit by spammers. For some of you out there reading this, you might be one of them. IF you really are, then let me tell you this:

TRY HARDER!

Image source: http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/dining/reviews/blog/2009/06/why_spam_needs_to_change_its_n.html

4th week into my 2nd year school term, that was the first week I experienced full fledged 5-days “work-week”. I did not have the luxury of time to split my timetable to 3 or 4 days week due to my slow registration of my courses. But having the subjects spreaded evenly out to 5 days allowed me to have fair share of free time each day to do my assignments and revisions. Fortunately is also the fact that I would not benefit from having free time at home for assignments since I very much needed the dark room facilities in school to do them.

Deutsch is confusing at times, but I am eager without pushing too much myself to revise it. Sound design is something I have dwelled with before and learning the new software Pro Tools is not much of a problem for me, except maybe the lab is just too cold. Digital printing of photos is never really new to me, other than the confusing steps taught by my lecturer which I think is incorrect (UPDATE: all’s clarified ). I will discuss with him when I find the chance. Dark room is time-consuming, no doubt. Watching the clock ticking past during developing and printing is heart-aching.

All these sounds like complaints. But they are not. I love them. It is not easy to say passion drives you forward even when you are tired physically. But this time round I can convincingly say so. I just woke up from a 12 hour sleep, even skipping a weekend make-up lecture. I know I will revise it later as well as planning for next week hectic schedule again. My body and will is not dragging with unwillingness. Shooting a new roll of film this weekend is also in the agenda. And planning what to shoot for self-portraits is another ‘boring’ part. We tend to bitch about anything, but the underlying proportions of true feelings cannot escape our self-acknowledgment.

This semester does not seem as bad as I thought after coming back from my Western Australia holiday. Oh yah, where is my after-thoughts from the trip? It will be written, but something is occupying my mind currently. I thought fate is kind enough for me to meet her twice, within the same occasion. I am hoping for a third encounter, really, but which has so little chance of happening again. I want it 8/10 soon.

So I am done (perhaps) with my revision of History of Phtotography, Deutsch revision seems 80% done as well. But whatever it is, the mood now from the rainy weather and the question so furiously debated in Facebook has gotten me the mood again for some harsh reality check, probably both for me as well as whoever bothers to read this entry.

Among the group of professions, or maybe just practitioners, those who dabble in the field of arts and creativity always find themselves lost. Let’s make it ourselves instead. We so often questioned the goal of our passion. And I meant the ultimate goal. Maybe I sound too far fetch now for I am still 23 and not yet stepped into the field being a full time professional. But don’t we hold that flickering flame in us ever since we took out this practice to engage in a field of occupation so seemingly carefree with the creative-freedom we could be endowed that we forever distanced ourselves from desk-bound jobs most people are contended with?

Underlined the keywords above. Occupation. Carefree. Creative-freedom. Contended.

Occupation. Yes. We need to earn money. We need to be fed and have to feed others. Most notably our parents. So we can do whatever avant-garde, retro, contemporary (fill in any genre you so religiously sticked to) works we like, we love. The thing is the works must be liked and loved by others as well. And the others are sometimes none other than investors, employers, even simple passer-bys and audiences. They are indirectly our source of “zeroes” in our paycheck. So “commercialisation” is the big word on top of the umbrella, UNLESS you managed to put “Self-Employed” above all heirachy. And that is only sustainable if you still consider commercialisation somewhere.

Carefree and creative-freedom. Again, we can enjoy these if we are the bosses. Or at least the directors in a common commercially creative structure. Staying humble I think is the key. Talented we might be, in the eyes of others, especially the superiors, either we are deemed inferior (that’s why they are the superiors), or what we did was never enough or the best. I mentioned before, my former RSM said: “Don’t always think you had done the best, when in the eyes of others you had done just enough”. Strip the airs of “I know” and put on that jacket only when the environment calls. You will feel the comfort. Conversely, telling one self “I sucks” is not easy, but I think it helps.

Contended. I will always remember my professor for Understanding Singapore Society, Lim Chee Han, once asked, “So what if you study?” Get a degree. “So what you get a degree?”. To secure a good job in the future. “So what you secure a good job in the future?” To be rich? “So what if you are rich?” So we can be happy? This is a question of life and the answers will be similar most of the time for most people. Then is the process important since (maybe) contention and happiness are the eventual answers we sought?

Studying in Arts, Design and Media in NTU, maybe the order of the name gave away the clues. Arts (artistic development) in the foundation year, Design (conceptual development) in the 2nd and 3rd years, and Media (commercial development) in the final year. Ok. I am crapping. But I always feel ADM is too much of an artistic school for my liking than a design school which I am more comfortable with. So with people in my school feeling otherwise I am quite baffled. If they are right, I feel we should all feel blessed. In my opinion, a pure Arts school who can give you all freedom you wished for in your productions with no development of commercial intend is a degeneration to Arts they feel so attached to. I am capitalistic inclined. Pardon me.

So in the hoohah of self-identity search, my direction I gave myself is clear. Get the f**k out of school if I think I cannot get beneficial knowledge out of it. Simple. No point harping over what the school cannot provide over what I wished to be doing. I heard that umpteen times since my Poly days. If you think you have seen enough, you probably have not. So complaining over what one’s want to do but not getting them in school curriculum, maybe quitting is the resolution. If something stops you from doing that, answer to yourself frankly. Maybe it is just a transcript of the bachelor that holds you back. No surprise here in Singapore. Then revised Chee Han’s question once more. Lying to yourself is the greatest enemy to self-improvement. I still sucks in this myself.

Weekends can be spent sleeping all you want if that is what makes you happy. Pondering over the above all the time is not healthy. I am convincing myself too. So do what you like or something outside your major is. You might not even have school on all 5 weekdays. So any valid excuse? But always stop-check and braced youself against the harshest reality the society got to offer for us being adults are responsible for. And to my NTU friends, do take up some electives you really like. Busy-happy is better than slacking-piss.

My 2 cents.

The above had been my MSN nick for more than a year. It held a deep feeling inside me after my 21st birthday.

Just for decorative purposes, the symbols and words could still be decoded, as intended. The deeper message lies in the container and the relationships. Geeky, it’s actually a short php code, which cannot be seen because <? & ?>, opening and closing tags of php, could not presented in the title. “!=” is the generic symbolism of “not equals to” in most programming language. There goes the message. It could be read now, correctly, if it had not been done so.

Well, it was a wish made on, or rather after, my 21st birthday. Something I had been trying hard to achieve for 5 months prior to my birthday. So in a way, I got a hand to that wish being granted. I was really happy. I really was. So finally a birthday wish could be so divine, probably it’s 21st, that it came true.

For the above message to be my MSN nick for over a year of course spelt the outcome of my wish. Granted is not equal to lasted. But the story cannot end just like that. Life is about learning. And from then on, having my intended outcome granted should not be the end of all hardwork or belief. Time is a factor in learning to cherish. We should always try to preserve whatever good things, good times to the longest our abilities can afford to, isn’t it?

The sad truth is, many a times, some things are just beyond our limits of control. And for that matter, “you knew very well, yet you don’t know anything at all, even if you are reading this entry written because of you. But I know you would not even chanced upon this”. YHL.

I am writing this on a Monday. Local time now is 1.16am (GMT +8). So I might be wrong having the title titled Sunday. I might be wrong for what I am about to write as well.

This is written in between my travelogue, for I am quite tired, not so much of the writing, but the sorting of the photos. If only during the photo-taking stage I had taken a constructive measure, I would not have the headache now. Anyway, that is not important. This is just a post of the thoughts rushed in my mind within a day.

The usual morning breakfast on a Sunday with my dad was abit more special. I was trying hard to remember where I was the week before. Obviously I am in Western Australia. Just that I had no idea what day it was during the sunday when I was in W.A. Hope it did not sound too complicated. Anyway, I did not bother to recall deep. Ask anybody when was the last time they could not remember the day and date in any one occasion. My reply was when I am enjoying. So my euphoria was one last sunday, and more of the days before and after I believed. This euphoria was kinda late if I only realised now. But that was one euphoria to realise I once had the euphoria feeling, right? Great morning.

I always feel I am mature in my thinking. Once awhile, I thought not always though. But to put it another way, realising I am immature in some ways of my thinking was some way maturing. Then, seeing how people react to certain outcomings got me to think there are worse people out there in thinking their thinking has some form of maturity when they are not. Words are free expression, but they are not free of consequences. Wrong choices of usage got the author stripped of any initial, and partial, as we humans tend to reserve, impression. Tactful is the key. I might as well forget all these poor choices of words, but I in no way deserved them, all the more if I want to help through my words. There is no difference with spoken or written words.

A Chinese saying goes with “blaming the heaven, blaming the people”, which obviously is not the way teachings advocate. And I will always remember my RSM, (Regimental Sergeant Major) once said, “Don’t always think you had done the best, when in the eyes of others you had done just enough”. I am still short-sighted in terms of seeing the world out there. As far as I could admit that, I am always proud, for there are people pathetically supposed they are being owed a living, an explanation, or assistance. The world is huge. Thus I advocate travelling as it really does broaden the horizon. I will talk more at the end of my travelogue with this.

At some point during afternoon, I felt the real exhaustion as I edit my photos. I have to give the benefit of doubt to myself. I know very well it was a Sunday afternoon. That ticks. My true holidays of losing count of days had ended. Reality check. My school would not start until mid August. From now till then I would not lose count of days.

Take it easy.

Blogs will come fast and furious now, before I left for Perth for 8 days without my Mac. But one thing I really hope for is to have a nice and enjoyable trip. Things have been going bad in some ways or another.

Setting up of PC took me a week in total. Troubleshooting the hardware problems was time-wasting. I do not wish to push any blame to the Biostar board I bought. I thought it was a great budget board with such capabilities. Many people were complaining about unstable unlocked version of the CPU as well. To me, it seems OK altogether. All in all, the main problem I see is the integrated graphics card driver which is causing all the trouble. More days have passed, and errors are seen less frequent. Good. Keep it that way. If not, then I have to expect the worse scenarios to happen.

In the process of clearing my table and TV cabinet for the HTPC to be installed, the junks accumulated were horrendous. What was more horrifying was my Mum mixed my actual pile of thrash (they seemed useful to her), with my useful stuffs, despite me categorising them (probably in a thrashy manner). I should not have ask her to help out. That fatal move involved the act of acknowledging my student transportation card, Ez-Link, as part of those “my junks”, or her “useful stuffs”. What happened next should be easy to guess. With most of what I deemed as junks being in the bag, I did not bother to look through much and finally, there goes my Ez-Link card.� $18 replacement card fees has to be factored into my next expenditure. If not, then I have to expect the worse scenarios to happen.

3rd July was another important date, registration of my modules for next semester. I spent so much time planning my timetable in order to fully utilise the days to minimise my days. Sounds complicated? In short, my aim is to go to school in as few days as possible by planning as much subject modules as possible within a day. A travelling time of close to 2 hours one way is no joke. Not only is it time consuming, but also unproductive.

Anyway, I did not get the time slots I craved. Totally. All screwed up. I admit I sux in these kind of administrative procedures for academic matters. I did not know the “fastest finger first” (first come first served) policy still applies, after the whole procedure of modules registration was given a facelift. And too, I did not know that the particular date was only registration for Core modules, and not electives. Still,� a thanks to Audrey, my classmate, for reminding me of the registration timing.

So, since the timings were not as planned, instead of having 4 days now, most of which are long days, I shall make it a full week of school with shorter days in most days. That is provided I managed to get the electives slots I want. If not, then I have to expect the worse scenarios to happen.

UPDATE: I found my Ez-Link card! It’s in my jeans pocket! I wronged my mum.