cong a.k.a jordana site of me and updates (will change soon)

似乎有一个星期多没你的消息。说不想念你是骗人的。但会是单方面的思念吗？ 我想这部落格你或许已没看了。
这段时间我都很专心努力得做事。用工的果实真的是甜的。是多么地想与你分享。
明天就去4天3夜的北部游。这一切是那么的不顺利。我好想跟你诉苦。待会儿6点要起身。现在是2点多了。
你好吗？ 别累坏了。你要加油，专心。你行的。晚安。我还是爱你。

So often people are so short-sighted that they are bringing so much inconvenience to others. If you had know that so many others had already planned something WITHOUT involving you and yet keep squeezing in without feeling ashame, I feel so sorry for you.

I bear no grudges, you are welcome to join ONLY if you acknowledged or were asked early. Too bad sometimes it is just too late and you should carry on your life. Itinerary switching here and there is a taboo in travelling and dare I say the plans would not work out now. Mark my words here and let it be verified a week later.

And for those who are so “accommodating” that “anything” could be done and yet you yourself is not doing, good luck.

I am controlling the temper to the extend that hurling abuses would only hurt relationship, not that I dare not flare up. My displeasure will still show when needed for immediate actions and justification to be made. I am giving in alot of times.

Many occasions I cannot be expected to be the cool guy performing under pressure. That should be the way I know. But for goodness sake other than this blog for me to have the outlet could I be given that little bit of space to release the grudge!? F**k off you sh*t. If only I see you just once a lifetime, this is what you gonna get from me.

Let see if I can remember the bad stuffs so consistently happening to me recently, and try to extract the positivity from each:

- Sunday night before I slept realised there is an essay to be handed the next day. I started reading the text required, hoping to complete it asap. But it just could not be registered into my mind. Screw it. I am so tired. So I drafted an email to my professor telling her my bad and notifying her I would be able to do a better work that is only if I hand in on Tuesday. Not a request, since I already made my mind on not handin the next day. I accept my fault for the penalty of late submission, but I rather myself working wholeheartedy than rushing things out.

- nw I remember another thing before this. There was a tour at 2pm that Sunday afternoon on Massey hall bring part of the culture day activity. I was getting ready by 1.15pm, thinking we are to meet at 1.30pm, only to find out we are to leave at 1.30pm. Some dilly dally and we set off, with me emphasizing before that I will be buying film for my camera and 2 burgers for lunch, en route to the meeting point. The burger queue was long and 15 minutes were wasted. We once again rushed hurriedly over to the place to buy my film only to realise I overshoots the shop we were supposed to go. I was shown body languages of blames soon after the instance. Forget it then, I thought. It didn’t take me long to make the decision of not buying the film. Being late for the tour is because of the burger queue. If only we move out earlier, at 1.15pm. Good grief. The tour was not missed by much and it was absolutely fantastic, by the way! No film to capture the beautiful interior was a waste. No positivity to take from here. I accept partly my fault, not to say the other was definitely his to take. I will do it my way next time. And I insist.

Tuesday I was determine to do my assignment as plan. Go to each door of my apartment and knock on their door to ask for permission to shoot out of their balcony. I knocked a total of about 7 doors. 2 replied positively and I went in. The other had no responses. The 3rd one was hesitant. Then a strong guy walked past and warned me that I could no proceed to do it anymore. He was the superintendant of the building and I reckoned the project gonna failed beyond my scope of intention. The worse part was when I was heading back to my unit, a guy kinda like spotted me and caught me out of the lift. Presumably he was the husband of one of the “kind” lady who let me in to shoot. He “apologised” to me saying that he had no choice but to take my student card and copy it down as a proof check to prevent scam. Damn it.

I don’t care after so many things happening. I didn’t do much wrong. Luck is lacking.

I have been not been sleeping enough ever since I came to Toronto, at least physcologically I feel that way. I never slept past 11am ever.

It is always felt like I have things to do, no matter how I prioritize my work. With school work piling up, 24 hours seemed even shorter. Flushing system spoilt adds to my woes. Thanks. The next trouble now is to find a shop that sells the worn-out accessories inside. And the time-consuming task after that is to find the place on the map and walk miles again. Whew!

3rd week into school and I still have to shed some sweat over my time-table scheduling. Seemed as though everyweek I gotta walk into a class full of unknowns and reintroduced myself “hi, I am Jordan, an exchange student, I came from Singapore” etc.

Gonna do it now again!

Sleeping in Niagara Fall hostel for tonight. It was a good day spent at the falls looking at the spectacular gigantic waterfalls. But on and off my mind was constantly drifting elsewhere, like sentiments along the downstream here in Niagara Falls.

Hopefully the lads with me were not affected by me. They would not possibly be. My face is deceiving.

Good night my dear. I had to think so long whether to SMS you how was your face. Does it matter if I did? Or what if I did not? Missing you and not able to tell you is cruelty.

Someone please tell me what to do….

I am strong. If only the world exist between myself and just myself, I would have saved so much tears.

Only upon thinking of my family and my love one in revising the failure of me in performing the basic standards got me beaten and hurt.

Living without kin-companionship, best-friend-buddy-ship and a warming love relationship is really the worse one could ever be in a lifetime. I am going through hell…. It’s taking a toll on me… I feel so sorry for myself… Nothing scares me here. Lack of encouragment does.

So emotionally and word-driven am I that 2 blogs were published within a day.

Tough time don’t last. Tough man do. Let me cry like a man first.

多伦多电影节的缩写叫TIFF。我才刚认为我对TIFF的参与即将结束，谁知另一个tiff却开始了。

很惆怅。这一定会被人误会成是个自我答辩，因而会被看似个做作之人。

我做人最失败之一就是这一方面。很多事我还没做已经判我自己一刑。很多事我还没做就认定别人对我的看法。

这对我摄影的生涯是个绊脚石。教授曾经训过我说不能有因没做而自判自己的行为。我跟那教授没很熟，但在多伦多这我却蛮想念他的。

所以其实有些行为或言语看似，听似为做作，但出自与对自己的诚实，我想谁也难以为他定多一条罪。

不怕说想你，因为对你的朝思暮想而夜有所梦；
不怕说疼你，因为总怕你课业上因难题而被累倒；
不怕说想珍惜你，因为未来是否有比你更好的完全不在前提内；
不怕说爱你，因为~就是爱你。

明天就去Niagara Falls玩了。我的心情糟透了。但终究得收拾起来，以免影响别人的开心心情。在这多伦多，很多事我得为别人而做。没办法。这不是做作，只因人活着其实多少为别人而活。满足感在于你是否能从中有所智慧中的人性体会。

我不是菩萨。我不是圣人。所谓只羨鸳鸯不羨仙。我只是不想让人失望。就算别人对我没任何期望，就当我在高攀自己，我也没理由让自己失望吧。

很无奈。在半个地球外，无助是十分可畏的。我写作胜于言语，但心语却非文字所能形容。我要进全力将＂谦诚和爱＂在这3个多月里表现出来。对谁都一样。这是我唯一能给自己在多伦多这里最大的鼓励。多艰难我都得撑。加油国聪！

It is said that relationships are built, not found.

最后，对不起，我爱你。想念9天之前所有你对我说的晚安~

Almost a month here spent in Toronto for my exchange. All along I knew this was a choice I made and it could not be wrong. Vincent reminded me somehow.

Yes, what are the worries? I was elated to get this opportunity. Subjecting myself to so much uncontrollable situations only got me so worn out. So worn out.

My confidence never was so low in my life. Never. I was so afraid at everything I do, every simple decisions to make. I know I am not myself when simple instructions I could not even follow in food labels or organising simple travel plans. Pit bottom. I had no one to haul me up here. My soul was being confronted with the bashings of a more stronger soul of my past.

If you think your breathing was heavy, you probably have not seen mine. If you think your premonitions are strong, you probably have not heard mine.

I seemed to have lost the teachings taught by my father. I miss the sundays breakfasts. I miss his naggings, which to me now sound more like consolations. I know I never did anything wrong to my conscience. He definitely is not going to make me feel any better, just that I know my doings are affirmed, whenever he lectures.

There is an inner voice in me telling me to cherish what I have now. It is always so close to shaving off little by little what I had without making the effort to top it up. Do not expect me to behave what you wish me to. It is me that I am losing, in the way I behave the way I do.

And I let it be, most of the time.

It is interesting to note how human categorize things. According to their beliefs, their preferences, their similarities, their biasness etc. The list goes on. Most often we just could not leave out personal agendas.

Obviously there are more crucial things to settle after an initial decision has been made. Procrastinations really are devil of time. And human never (ever will) get the relief we should be getting from this demonoid. A considerable amount of time has passed and the decision was still laid on the table.

For goodness sake, a few dollars savings would not buy one a satisfying meal, for I bet the scrimping nature would not even allow one to splurge on a decent meal at all! What is more is the fact that the few dollars savings actually buy one true colours! How cheap and thanks!

The sense of community and togetherness should always be the highest priority and of utmost importance in a land of unknown except amongst one another. Shortcomings are tolerable. In the process of just fulfilling one’s personal agenda, however, and overlooking the basic integrity is just too much.

I pity the unknowing party. I will be damn disgusted. It’s either I know too much or I knew nothing. Anyway all these are not rocket science. But it just could take so much for others to understand. Being selfish is the moral of the story.

But it is just a story, right?

I felt like I have been here in Toronto for so long. Except for some minor cultural differences that still grip me, I am localizing like a local.

But I am only here for only slightly more than 2 weeks.

My camera has always been mounted on my tripod at a corner beside my messy table of workstation. A canon 7D only used for taking snap shots of dinner I have cooked. What joke!

Gotta admit I am lazy slugging that workhorse around me whenever I go. iPhone camera works as good as I expected, or rather as close to my current expectations are. I am still not in travelling mood. Am still not.

My railway documentary is almost completing. Silly of me to bring so much pressure upon myself to do the editing even when I am so far away. But this work of mine is only so little of what I promised myself during the long holidays I had months ago. It is definitely more than a small step to soothe my personal ego to finish a documentary, more importantly I do not wish to disappoint whoever giving me the support and encouragement all along.

My luggage was overweight on one of the pair I brought here to Toronto. I had to repack them 3 times to evenly distribute the weight between the two. No doubt I brought alot of stuffs here. Most of them were actually meant to be thrown away while I stuffed new things in to bring home.

I told my exchange mates the reason why this trip is more than just a 5 month sting, which could be so stressful, so busy etc, is because I will be going through something my peers would not be able to go through. What I am going to bring home is priceless. Thus the space I will be reserving in my luggage, my spiritual luggage.

My camera will soon see the light in Toronto. A wife is more than just being a housewife eh? Both of them deserved more than that surely.